Thursday, October 29, 2009

Nosferatu V

In past editions of Nosferatu, I have written about things that drain energy in some form, much like a vampire. For instance, I have written about Bank of America and community college; entities which drain your pocketbook with hidden fees. Last year, I wrote about El Chupacabra, a literal blood drinking monster. This was the first Nosferatu post that I was actually satisfied with after having written it.

The first Nosferatu was a vague post about "aloof" personality types. This was inspired by a woman at work who would become friendly when she wanted something. From this, the Nosferatu Halloween series was born.

In this edition, however, in lieu of the recent trend of vampires in the media, I have decided to write about vampires. That's right, this year's Nosferatu is actually about Nosferatu.

Now, there have been a lot of movies, shows, and books about vampires over the years. The vampire is a timeless concept. But one thing I've noticed is that each piece of fiction seems to have its own rules for vampires. There's nothing wrong with this. I have enjoyed many of these rule bending entertainment pieces. And some... not so much. But in this post, I will establish once and for all THE RULES for vampires.

The Rules

1. Sunlight kills vampires.
Sunlight does not make vampires turn sparkly and pretty. A vampire cannot don cool shades and walk out into the sun. It doesn't sting their eyes and give them a migraine. Sunlight causes vampires to burst into flames and freakin die.

2. Vampires want to eat you.
Vampires are not your buddies or chums. They don't work for the police department or perform private detective services. They do not wrestle with romantic feelings for you while battling the urge to chow down on you. You are food to them. They may experience self revulsion for having drained their family and friends of all their life force, but they don't want you as a replacement.

3. Staking kills Vamps.
A stake through the heart will kill a vampire, as long as the stake remains in place. Decapitation afterwards will make the staking permanent.
They don't, however, combust into a cool CGI explosion leaving no trace behind. Decapitation without staking, interestingly, doesn't work. I don't know why, it just freakin doesn't. And silver kills werewolves, but not vampires.

4. Vamps are garlic intolerant.
Again, I don't know why. It burns them if it comes in contact with their skin, and acts like acid if consumed.

5. Crucifixes...
They work. This doesn't really allow for the concept of the scientific vampire, but a crucifix will in fact repel nosferatu. They're scared to death of 'em... literaly. Other religious artifacts will work, too, but crucifixes are the most popular. Could be a psychosematic reaction, but again, I can't tell you how it works. I'm just telling you that it does.

6. Flight Ability?
No. They can't fly, and they can't turn into bats or anything lame like that either. They can probably jump higher than humans, however, as they do experience increased strength and speed.

7. Increased Strength and Speed
See rule #6.

8. Shape shifting
Nope, none of that. They look like pale people with fangs, and they remain pale people with fangs. No retractible fangs either; just the pair of elongated canines 24/7.

9. Turning Vampires
Simple biting without killing the victim does the trick. No need for blood sharing or rituals or anything like that. Just a bite.

10. Rule Ten
There really isn't a tenth rule... it's just that there's something more complete about having a list of ten items. That's it. Now you know the rules.

Oh yeah, reflections...

10. Reflections
Vampires don't have them.

Alright, that's it. Tune in next year for Nosferatu VI.

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