Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Petition Bob Saget

Alright, there's an issue which needs immediate attention. The economy, unemployment, genocide in Africa, legalizing chickens in Gresham Oregon, they can all wait. For the time being, there's a bigger fish to fry, and that fish is named Bob Saget.

After eight years portraying Danny Tanner and hosting America's Funniest Home Videos, Bob Saget has spent the last fifteen years trying to prove to the world that he's not really the dopey dad from Full House or the dull host from "20 ways to get hit in the nuts".

The problem: the word "fuck" doesn't spice up a bland presentation. Well, actually it does if the speaker is already funny or interesting. But the premise of a comedy routine should not be based solely upon the use of the word "fuck", unless you're George Carlin or Osho. You may be funny to a few repressed types who view the word "fuck" as a taboo; sort of a "hee hee, he's not supposed to say that," type of humor. But to the rest of us, you're still just the lame host of AFHV... only with the word "fuck."


South Park is thought of as a "vulgar" show which pushes it's limits. But the thing is, South Park is clever and witty. That's why people like it. It's clever and funny and it's vulgar in the moments where it's funny to be vulgar. People say South Park "leaves no group untouched" because it exposes the jackassery which is present in every walk of life, giving people that "it's so true" reaction (except of course for those who don't like having their jackassery exposed). And it's lasted for twelve years and counting.

On the other hand, there was a short lived cartoon called "Drawn Together." If you don't remember Drawn Together, case in point... but aside from that, Drawn Together was a show which aired on Comedy Central in which some people got together and said, "Let's make a vulgar cartoon and it'll be successful like South Park." The problem; it was not clever. It was not witty. The writers completely missed the subtlety which makes South Park work.

When Drawn Together made fun of groups, they failed to capitalize on those traits which give people the "it's so true" reaction. It's the equivalent of saying "that short guy is short" versus "look how this short guy makes himself look like a fool as he over compensates for being short". People didn't like Drawn Together and it freakin died.

Like Drawn Together, Bob Saget is a dullard without the knack for the subtlety involved in making things funny. But Bob Saget just won't go away. He disappears for awhile, and you forget about him, and the world is at peace. But then he comes back... again... and again... and again... and through some kind of magical showbusiness sway, he keeps coming back.

"But J-Dubb," you may be asking, "if you don't like him, why don't you just not watch him and let the three people who do like him keep watching?" My answer to you is, NO! I don't want to, okay. I want to do this freakin petition thingy.

But what are the terms of this petition?

The Terms

1. Bob Saget must have his name legally changed to Richard Howser.

2. Richard Howser must stay at least 30 yards away from anything affiliated with showbusiness at all times. That's right, no more watching movies for Mr. Howser.

3. Richard Howser must give everything to charity which he's acquired since beginning his showbiz career. Richard can begin life anew in whatever non-showbiz affiliated career he chooses.

4. Richard must undergo rhinoplasty in order to eliminate the characteristic "Bob Saget nose."

5. Richard must take action to improve his physical coordination.

6. The name "Bob Saget" must be stricken from every record and never uttered again... except for in this blog because I don't feel like going through the effort of removing the name "Bob Saget."

These are the terms. We will not go quietly into the night, or whatever. Actually, I'm pretty sure I'll forget about all this after I watch the latest "Heroes" episode on Hulu. But until then, these are the terms Bobby.

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