Ten Ways to Liven up a Job Interview

In this economy, there are a lot of people looking for jobs. With so many people looking for jobs at one time, it is increasingly difficult to get hired, making for a lot of interviews. But fear not, the interview process doesn't have to be rigorous at all. In fact, it can be a lot of fun, if you make it that way. Here are ten things you can do to make your interview a pleasant experience.

10. The Medieval Bard
At some point, the interviewer will ask you some questions, such as "tell me a story about a time when you solved a problem at an old job." At this point, you will be challenged to impress the interviewer with a story. You can really make your stories stand out by presenting them in song.

Lean in close and engage your interviewer with an intense look in your eyes. Then begin your song slowly and dramatically:

One day while I was working for Intellecorp
We were having conflicts with our IPC reports

Then, let your song build up from there.

9. The Movie Announcer
Announce everything you say with your best impression of the movie announcer guy. When you walk in to the building, go up to the desk and say, "A man/woman, searching for an opportunity awaits the interview of destiny." If the receptionist understands what you're trying to say, continue this throughout the interview.

8. It's a Family Thing
Have two friends accompany you wearing suits and sun glasses. Speak with an Italian accent. When asked who your two companions are, reply, "They're my people. Where I go, they go." This will be especially funny if you are blatantly not Italian, such as red haired, African, or Asian.

Be vague about your answers and end them with, "You know, family stuff." Cut the interview short and say, "Well, I've got to be going now. But I'll be seeing you Monday." Then look at one of your men and say, "Right Tony?" and laugh. You'll be hired.

7. Look Who's Talking
Bring in a ventriloquist dummy. Fill the time with much bickering between you and your wooden companion.

6. The Sound of Silence
Dress like a mime. Do not speak, just pantomime everything. It will be a lot like playing charades. How fun for the interviewer.

5. Call the Police
Show up dressed as a local police officer and ask for the person interviewing you by name. You can arrest this person, or tell them that a family member is in the hospital. When they are clearly distraught, say "Just kidding, I'm actually here for a job interview." If they act upset, scold them for not having a sense of humor.

4. Who's Interviewing Whom?
You interview the interviewer. When the interviewer stops you and says something like, "Wait, I'll be the one to ask the questions," simply let them proceed, and then work your answer into another question for them.

3. Childish Behavior
Send a child age 4 to 6 to take the interview for you in your name.

2. Life Coach
Be the interviewer's Tony Robbins. Ask questions such as "Are you happy?", and "If you had the opportunity to do whatever you wanted, what would it be?" Be sure to pepper in motivating statements such as, "I believe in you."

and number 1...

1. Propose to the Interviewer
Get down on one knee and really mean it. Be sure to have a ring, and maybe even work up some tears. Nothing would make you happier than to spend the rest of your life with the interviewer.

How to Bring Back Dinosaurs

You may not realize this, but for years now I've been plotting to bring back the dinosaurs. Back in the 90's, things seemed hopeful with the whole "DNA in mosquitoes trapped in amber" ploy, as seen in Jurassic Park. But that idea was short lived, and for the last decade, it has seemed that the only way we would ever see dinosaurs would be with the aid of a time machine.

Cloning dinosaurs from preserved DNA may be an impossibility, but I have found another solution. Once again, I am determined to make the modern dinosaur into a reality. My solution has three steps.

1. Selective Breeding

Instead of searching for ancient preserved DNA and utilizing unreliable cloning techniques, why not breed back the dinosaurs from their modern equivalent; birds.






People have used selective breeding to "breed back" certain types of animals to their ancestral form.

The ancestors of modern domestic cattle, the aurochs, have been extinct for quite some time now. Through selective breeding, hex cattle has been bred in order to restore cattle to its original form.

The tamascan dog is a breed of canine which has had the ancestral wolf traits bred back into it (minus the wanting to eat you trait) without using wolves in the breeding. Now families can effectively own a wolf as the family dog without getting eaten, which is the drawback to owning standard wolves.



I figure that using selective breeding, I can breed back birds to a more primitive species, such as the archaeopteryx.




I will begin with the hoatzin, an ancient breed of bird which is still alive today. Hoatzin chicks have claws at the end of their wings, used for climbing, which they lose into adulthood. I will breed hoatzins for the ability to retain their claws longer into their lives, until I have a breed which maintains its claws throughout adulthood. I will also look for genetic anomolies, such as three claws rather than the standard two claws, and breed these traits into the species.

I will breed for other achaeopteryx-like traits, too. As well, I will include other bird species into the breeding mix which have other such needed traits. Eventually I will have a new species of archaeopteryx-like bird.

2. Gene Splicing

Now, breeding birds back to a primitive bird species is one thing, but breeding birds back to dinosaurs presents several problems. For one, there are several dinosaur traits that birds just don't have anymore.

Another major problem, is that dinosaurs are descended from reptiles and birds from dinosaurs. Dinosaurs are closely related to reptiles whereas our new species of bird is that much further removed from reptiles.

Obviously, we can't breed the reptile back into these animals, so we'll have to look to gene splicing. Using reptile species related to those which dinosaurs descended from, I will splice back those reptilian traits such as the long tail and the reptilian teeth.

Using a combination of selective breeding and gene splicing, I can take the archaeopteryx back to the pterosaurs and from there breed back to the raptors. From that point, I can breed back to many other species of dinosaur.



3. Dinosaur DNA

So, now we've created a species which is kind of related to the dinosaurs and has the same bone structure. But there's still one problem; they're not actually dinosaurs.

This is where we incorporate actual dinosaur DNA. Instead of looking for complete strands of DNA from which to clone a full fledged dinosaur, we can just use the DNA scraps that we find and splice that into the animals just like we did with the reptilian DNA. Now we have our new species of dinosaur.

So, the formula is:

selective avian breeding + reptilian gene splicing + dino DNA
= neo dinosaurs

Gary Coleman Getting Taller

Doctors are Baffled over Gary Coleman's Recent Growth

Who'd have thought; at age 42, Arnold of "Different Strokes" has actually started growing. Congenital kidney disease stunted Coleman's growth at 4' 8" (1.42m). According to doctors, this should have lead to a brief lifetime of dwarveness followed by a slow and brutal demise. But Gary Coleman has surpassed all odds by living to age 42 and beginning to grow at an age when most human bodies start to give up the good fight and work against themselves.

After suffering from a seizure late last February, doctors found that Coleman had actually grown 1 3/4" since the measurements recorded in his medical records, making him nearly 5' even. Since then, there has been continued growth and Coleman is now clearing 5' 1". Because of the continued growth, doctors speculate that this growth spurt probably began shortly before the seizure.

"The seizure probably isn't related to the growth," said one doctor, "but it's amazing that this happened just in time for us to catch this growth spurt. We have no idea why this would suddenly occur at his age. It's really really weird."

"I'm okay with being short," said Coleman, "But still, it'll be cool to be regular size. I always feel like people are trying not to smirk when I waddle around in my little security uniform. Now that I'm just a regular sized short person, people feel free to laugh out loud. That's good. I just want people to be comfortable around me."

One doctor speculates that this longevity and sudden growth spurt may be a side effect from tremendous amounts of Viagra. "He's a busy little fella," said Dr. Ravenscroft of St. Vincent Hospital.

"Wow, this is like some crazy sci-fi stuff," said Chief Medical Officer, Cliff Armstrong. "Maybe he'll go from being like really short to being really tall. Maybe he's like a super hero or something! Yeah, that'd be awesome!"

"One thing's for sure," said Arnold, er, I mean Gary Coleman. "Sex will be different now. I hope I still like it."

"Still like it?" said the reporter. "Watchoo talkin 'bout?"

Coleman then gave an irritated glare and the interview ended.

Petition Bob Saget

Alright, there's an issue which needs immediate attention. The economy, unemployment, genocide in Africa, legalizing chickens in Gresham Oregon, they can all wait. For the time being, there's a bigger fish to fry, and that fish is named Bob Saget.

After eight years portraying Danny Tanner and hosting America's Funniest Home Videos, Bob Saget has spent the last fifteen years trying to prove to the world that he's not really the dopey dad from Full House or the dull host from "20 ways to get hit in the nuts".

The problem: the word "fuck" doesn't spice up a bland presentation. Well, actually it does if the speaker is already funny or interesting. But the premise of a comedy routine should not be based solely upon the use of the word "fuck", unless you're George Carlin or Osho. You may be funny to a few repressed types who view the word "fuck" as a taboo; sort of a "hee hee, he's not supposed to say that," type of humor. But to the rest of us, you're still just the lame host of AFHV... only with the word "fuck."

Example:

South Park is thought of as a "vulgar" show which pushes it's limits. But the thing is, South Park is clever and witty. That's why people like it. It's clever and funny and it's vulgar in the moments where it's funny to be vulgar. People say South Park "leaves no group untouched" because it exposes the jackassery which is present in every walk of life, giving people that "it's so true" reaction (except of course for those who don't like having their jackassery exposed). And it's lasted for twelve years and counting.

On the other hand, there was a short lived cartoon called "Drawn Together." If you don't remember Drawn Together, case in point... but aside from that, Drawn Together was a show which aired on Comedy Central in which some people got together and said, "Let's make a vulgar cartoon and it'll be successful like South Park." The problem; it was not clever. It was not witty. The writers completely missed the subtlety which makes South Park work.

When Drawn Together made fun of groups, they failed to capitalize on those traits which give people the "it's so true" reaction. It's the equivalent of saying "that short guy is short" versus "look how this short guy makes himself look like a fool as he over compensates for being short". People didn't like Drawn Together and it freakin died.

Like Drawn Together, Bob Saget is a dullard without the knack for the subtlety involved in making things funny. But Bob Saget just won't go away. He disappears for awhile, and you forget about him, and the world is at peace. But then he comes back... again... and again... and again... and through some kind of magical showbusiness sway, he keeps coming back.

"But J-Dubb," you may be asking, "if you don't like him, why don't you just not watch him and let the three people who do like him keep watching?" My answer to you is, NO! I don't want to, okay. I want to do this freakin petition thingy.

But what are the terms of this petition?

The Terms

1. Bob Saget must have his name legally changed to Richard Howser.

2. Richard Howser must stay at least 30 yards away from anything affiliated with showbusiness at all times. That's right, no more watching movies for Mr. Howser.

3. Richard Howser must give everything to charity which he's acquired since beginning his showbiz career. Richard can begin life anew in whatever non-showbiz affiliated career he chooses.

4. Richard must undergo rhinoplasty in order to eliminate the characteristic "Bob Saget nose."

5. Richard must take action to improve his physical coordination.

6. The name "Bob Saget" must be stricken from every record and never uttered again... except for in this blog because I don't feel like going through the effort of removing the name "Bob Saget."

These are the terms. We will not go quietly into the night, or whatever. Actually, I'm pretty sure I'll forget about all this after I watch the latest "Heroes" episode on Hulu. But until then, these are the terms Bobby.

LOL Squids

New Web Ideas

So, lately I've been running out of cash as I scramble around the unemployment market looking for a new source of income. Inspired by the long running success of LOL Cats, I have decided to try my hand at a similar idea. If that guy can make bucks off of cute provocative pictures of animals, why can't I? So, here are some of my ideas...

LOL Squids

LOL Lions

LOL Crocodiles

LOL Snails

LOL Rhinos

LOL Cerberus

And of course, who will be able to resist the charming wiles of...

LOL Regis Philbin

Chase: Smothering You Softly

The World Takeover of Chase

Recently, the bank Washington Mutual has been replaced by JP Morgan Chase. This has come as a big disappointment to people as Washington Mutual has been known for it's free checking, lack of fees, and low interest rates. Similarly, several years ago I took out a car loan with Bank One, in Arizona, only to find myself later on making my payments to Chase.

So, in light of this changeover, I've began to notice certain commercials for Chase on TV. These commercials begin with a night view of the city of Portland from the Willamette river. A soft blue glow, the color of the Chase logo, begins to appear in the city scape. The commercial begins to pan around the city showing the source of this glow; banks and ATMs with the glowing Chase logo.

This commercial, set to the tune, Everywhere by Michelle Branch, gives off an inviting feeling. As I watch the night fill with this cool blue luminescence, sociable people gather around and I think to myself, "wow, I want to go there."

Then the commercial goes to a hillside which overlooks the city. A man sits atop as the blue glow emanates from his laptop. In the city scape below, you can see a few scattered blue dots. Then the dots begin to multiply, consuming the city until all glows with Chase blue. All the while, I'm thinking, "Ooh, pretty. I want to go there."

But then, a bug zapper comes to mind. The last thing a bug thinks as it gazes into the soft blue light is, "Ooh, pretty. I want to go there."

ZAP!!

Now, as a graphic designer I know all about utilizing color to effect moods. This blue light has a sedentary feel. So, snapping myself out of my trance, I realized what I was really seeing; the smothering of Portland. First, we saw the pinpoints of already existing Chase sites. Then we saw the pinpoints spread as Chase took over other banks. But then the whole city became consumed. There are not that many banks in the city. So the commercial seems to imply that Chase aims to take over everything, not just the banks. They want it all.

And the song; it may sound innocent and somewhat... soothing. But the words; "You're everywhere"? Clearly, the scheme here is to soothe us into the idea of them taking over. But what if the Chase logo were red and there were little red lights consuming Portland? Instead, this commercial would have the feel of a sinister force taking over the city. But what's more sinister; to advertise that you're planning a takeover, or to take on a friendly and inviting appearance as the world sits back and allows you to take over?

But that's not all. Unfortunately I couldn't find a video of this particular commercial online. I did, however, find a similar commercial of another city. But this one, instead, ended by showing entire continents being consumed by the Chase logo. So, it's not just Portland... they want the world.

Along with this, I found references to a commercial in which every room of a house emanates with blue from a monitor or hand held device. This commercial is accompanied by the same song, Everywhere. Big Brother anyone?

But there's more. I found another commercial in which the sun is replaced with the Chase logo which emanates blue light onto the black and white world. They want the sun too?

Now, I've heard conspiracy theorists talk about how "every bank is really an incarnation of the Federal Reserve which is the entity that truly controls the world governments." I don't know if this is true, but it seems Chase would like to be in that position.

So, in short; when storm troopers with the blue logo come to your house seeking shelter, you'd best feed them and let them stay the night. I for one welcome our blue overlords.

Bottled Water

Starwars with a Twist

Attention all nerds from the 80's

If you've watched a lot of online videos like me, you probably don't expect much from mash-up videos, but these are great. Check 'em out.

Starwars Macguyver


Starwars Dallas

Sweet Irony

J-Dubb does LisaNova does YouTube has been Muted.










So, YouTube recently muted my video, J-Dubb does LisaNova does YouTube because of copyright issues with a certain audio track. So now, one of my most popular videos has been turned into a silent film due to a rather small part in which this track is played.

I was meaning to blog about this earlier, but I literally ran upstairs in the middle of making breakfast when I realized something quite ironic...

The song that caused YouTube to silence my video is Simon and Garfunkle's The Sound of Silence!!

btw, have any of you had frozen oatmeal before? Neither have I, but I'm about to.

Wacky Politician Mugs

So you've probably noticed that campaign parties, when creating ads to bash their opponents, have a knack for finding images of the opposing politician making the most precarious facial expressions. Here is my archive of politicians making goofy faces.

John McCain: Republican presidential candidate, U.S.

Michael Marsh: Constitutional candidate for state treasurer, Oregon

Ross Perot: former presidential candidate, U.S.


Ralph Nader: Peace Party candidate for president, U.S.

Jeff Merkley: Democratic candidate for State Senate, Oregon

Barack Obama: Democratic candidate for president, U.S.

Gordon Smith: Republican candidate for state senate, Oregon

Kim Jung Ill: Dictator, North Korea

Hillary Clinton: Democratic senator, New York

Hillary Clinton 2

Bill Clinton: Democratic former president, U.S.

(This was the only goofy picture of him. The Guy's always posing, even when he's speaking. He probably poses while he sleeps, too.)

George "Chimpo" Bush: Republican former president, U.S.

Nosferatu IV

Greetings. In past editions of Nosferatu, I have talked about various entities that drain your life energy, such as banks and community college. This time, however, I will be discussing a real monster...

El Chupacabra

Now, in the past, we have known Chupacabra as the pesky little bat creature that slaughters our goats at night. I know we're all tired of our goats being slaughtered. Now days, however, we are witnessing a new phenomenon; the Urban Chupacabra.

That's right, the Chupacabras have been migrating north in the last 20 or so years, into the Northern United States and Canada in search of cooler climates. Some are now even going over seas into the UK and East Asia, thanks to Orbitz new Chupacabra rates.

This migration phenomenon has lead to Chupacabras moving into the cities and getting office jobs. And due to the lack of goats in the cities, they have moved on to other targets; us.

Now it was bad enough when these guys' activities were limited to devouring the goats of Hispanic farmers. But, quite frankly, I'm getting sick and tired of these little buggers jumping out of the bushes at me and trying to suck my blood. Really, can't a Chupacabra who's an accountant afford to buy blood at the store?

There's one Chupacabra who's always trying to buy my shoes for some reason. I think he needs them for some sort of time travel experiment he's conducting.

So I'm like, "Why don't you use your own shoes?"

And he's like, "I only have two pairs. These, and another pair that I use for jogging."

So I go, "Why don't you buy your own pair?"

And he says, "I never think about it while I'm at the store."

So anyway, I didn't sell him my shoes beacause I was freakin wearing them. Then, later on, he shows up at my house asking to buy my shoes now that I was home and could change into another pair.

I'm like, "Uh, why didn't you just go to the store?"

And he looks at me all confused, like, "Oh, I didn't even think about that."

And what's the deal with shoe laces, by the way? Those things are always coming untied. I'm constantly having to re-tie them. Usually I can feel when they're starting to get loose and then tighten them. But seriously, how come after 28 years I still can't keep my shoes tied? Am I the only one?

Well, that's all for today. Tune in next time for another spine tingling edition of Nosferatu.

McCain/ Obama Bracelet Battle

Nalts:
Last nights McCain and Obama debate included this interesting discussion about their bracelets. I have great respect for the military and those that died serving this country. But to see politicians trying to "one up" each other by wearing these bracelets. Oy...

George Bush Running with Scissors

I heard on the radio this morning that George Bush has proposed a plan to cut greenhouse gasses. This seemed like a good idea, until he was spotted by several people running around a greenhouse with a pair of scissors yelling, "Come out now, you gasses! I know you're in there somewhere!"

Ah Walmart Employees ;-)

This actually happened. This was for someone leaving an insurance claims office.

Walmart Employee: 'Hello this is Walmart, how can I help you?'
Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'
Walmart Employee: 'What do you want on the cake?'
Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.

The Talking Goat

What's Wrong With This Picture?

According to an E-Mail I received, some guy in Mississippi actually tried to use this as an ID.




Brilliant!!


















This story can be confirmed on these reliable news sources: CollegePork, Image Poop

The more you look at it, the funnier it gets.

My New Reality Show

So, I'm creating a new reality show called, "Angry Women." Basically, we take a bunch of women with anger issues, ego problems, no consideration for the people around them, or sense of camaraderie, and absolutely no sense of dignity in front of cameras. They'll have to live together for 3 months, forming teams and competing in contests. Watch chaos ensue as they make no effort toward teamwork and display no sportsmanship. And you'll be on the edge of your seat as, in every episode, there will be footage of women with flared nostrils coating the house with saliva in one senseless drama after the next.

This will be the cast:














Here's Pam, heiress of her fathers advertising buisness. But she's no longer daddys little girl, and she's out to prove it.












Kiki's an exotic dancer. She works to pay for school, where she is studying part time for her masters in nuclear physics. Who'd have thought.














Debb was a military brat. Now she's a corporate executive. She will take the lead, whether people follow her or not.









Barbara thought she needed a break from her husband. Should've went to Bermuda, Barb.














Tiffini has her own clothing line. If you don't treat her like a princess, she gets cranky. If you do treat her like a princess she gets cranky.

Well, that's my reality show. Tune in later for the the air dates.

Edit:
This show will not be airing. I have just been informed that this idea has already been used. Apparently, this is the description of every reality show already in existence. Gotta love the creativity that goes into these shows.