Thursday, April 01, 2010

Gary Coleman Getting Taller

Doctors are Baffled over Gary Coleman's Recent Growth

Who'd have thought; at age 42, Arnold of "Different Strokes" has actually started growing. Congenital kidney disease stunted Coleman's growth at 4' 8" (1.42m). According to doctors, this should have lead to a brief lifetime of dwarveness followed by a slow and brutal demise. But Gary Coleman has surpassed all odds by living to age 42 and beginning to grow at an age when most human bodies start to give up the good fight and work against themselves.

After suffering from a seizure late last February, doctors found that Coleman had actually grown 1 3/4" since the measurements recorded in his medical records, making him nearly 5' even. Since then, there has been continued growth and Coleman is now clearing 5' 1". Because of the continued growth, doctors speculate that this growth spurt probably began shortly before the seizure.

"The seizure probably isn't related to the growth," said one doctor, "but it's amazing that this happened just in time for us to catch this growth spurt. We have no idea why this would suddenly occur at his age. It's really really weird."

"I'm okay with being short," said Coleman, "But still, it'll be cool to be regular size. I always feel like people are trying not to smirk when I waddle around in my little security uniform. Now that I'm just a regular sized short person, people feel free to laugh out loud. That's good. I just want people to be comfortable around me."

One doctor speculates that this longevity and sudden growth spurt may be a side effect from tremendous amounts of Viagra. "He's a busy little fella," said Dr. Ravenscroft of St. Vincent Hospital.

"Wow, this is like some crazy sci-fi stuff," said Chief Medical Officer, Cliff Armstrong. "Maybe he'll go from being like really short to being really tall. Maybe he's like a super hero or something! Yeah, that'd be awesome!"

"One thing's for sure," said Arnold, er, I mean Gary Coleman. "Sex will be different now. I hope I still like it."

"Still like it?" said the reporter. "Watchoo talkin 'bout?"

Coleman then gave an irritated glare and the interview ended.

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